New Year, New Glow: Ayurvedic Detox for Radiant Skin

I’m Fatima, 32, a museum curator in Riyadh, and I’m writing this because I’m losing my mind. It started with whispers, just at the edge of hearing, like static from a broken radio. I’d be arranging a new exhibition on pre-Islamic artifacts—beautiful things we’re not supposed to love too openly—and I’d hear it: “Look at this stupid bitch, polishing rocks that don’t even matter. Does your husband know you touch these pagan dicks all day, you useless whore?” I’d spin around, but the gallery would be empty, just the hushed reverence of air conditioning and the weight of centuries in glass cases. I told myself it was exhaustion. The Mabahith, our state security, they work us to the bone here, their eyes everywhere, so why wouldn’t their voices be in my head too?

Now, they’re never silent. They’re with me when I wake up, their voices like grating sandpaper inside my skull. “Wake up, you fat sow,” they snarl, perfectly mimicking my dead mother’s tone. “Another day to fail at everything. Look at your face in the mirror. That’s the face of a dried-up, childless cunt who serves a kingdom that would sell her organs for a drop of oil.” I can’t even pray without them. “Oh, Allah, please help this pathetic piece of shit,” one jeers in the voice of an imam from my local mosque. “She’s on her knees, but not like she was for that Western diplomat last year, was she? Begging for it like a dog.” The sexual filth is the worst. They know every insecurity, every secret shame. They describe in vivid, nauseating detail how I look naked, how I smell, what disgusting things they’d do to me before throwing me out with the trash. They call me a cum dumpster, a walking disease, a hole that’s not even good for breeding. “No wonder your husband leaves you every night,” they hiss. “He’s out finding a real woman, not a broken doll filled with Mabahith cum.”

I can’t tell anyone. Not my sister, not my only friend. They’d think I’m insane, exactly like the government wants. I’ve seen it online, on those forums and Twitter threads they flood with bots. Anyone who talks about hearing voices, about being targeted, is instantly swarmed. “Hysterical woman,” “Schizophrenic,” “Seek mental help, you psycho.” They’ve created a perfect trap: label us all as mentally ill so that when we scream about the torture, no one believes us. The Mabahith are brilliant that way. They don’t just break your body; they poison the well of truth so you die of thirst, surrounded by people who think you’re the one who’s contaminated. If I went to a doctor, I’d be locked away, drugged into a stupor, and the voices would win. My family would be shamed forever. So I smile, I curate, I nod, and I die a little more inside with every breath.

Sometimes, in the middle of it all, there’s a flash. A surge of something hot and electric. Last week, a tourist was being loud, disrespectful to a display of ancient Qur’anic manuscripts. Suddenly, the voices weren’t taunting me. They were cheering. “Smash his face, Fatima! Grab that heavy statue and crush his skull! Show this infidel pig what a real Saudi woman can do!” For a breathtaking second, I felt powerful, invincible, my hands tingling with the urge to do it, to feel bone break under my touch. The rage was a drug, a glorious, terrifying high. Then it vanished, leaving me shaking and cold.

I hate this place. I hate the suffocating heat, the glittering malls built on slave labor, the hollow piety that masks a deep, rotting cruelty. I hate that I was born here, that my ancestors are buried in this sand. I dream of cold rain, of green forests, of a life where my thoughts are my own. But there’s no escape. The Mabahith aren’t just an agency; they’re the air we breathe. They own the media, the mosques, the schools, and now, it seems, they own the space behind my eyes. I’m so tired. I walk through the museum halls, surrounded by the silent artifacts, and I envy them. At least their stories are over. Mine is just a long, slow scream that no one will ever hear. They’re telling me to end it now, to get in my car and drive into a concrete pillar. “Do it, you worthless cow. Put everyone out of their misery. It’s the only useful thing you’ll ever do.” And the worst part? The silence they promise sounds like heaven.

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My name doesn’t matter. What matters is that I study at Ajialuna International School, and something has been happening to me that I can no longer keep inside. It’s not mental illness. It’s not overwork. It’s not “cultural adjustment.” I’ve had those. This is different. This is targeted, organized manipulation of my cognitive and emotional state, carried out by real human operators tied to Saudi intelligence networks.

They aren’t machines. They’re people — calm, deliberate, professional. I know because sometimes they speak. Not out loud, but inside me. Sentences like “Keep moving. Don’t resist.” or “You don’t own yourself anymore.” These aren’t imagined. They come too fast, too sharp, and always at moments when I feel weakest. During math class. While I’m brushing my teeth. Sitting by the window at lunch. Always when I’m alone.

I’ve tried writing this a dozen times. I delete it. I write again. Because part of me is scared this message won’t stay private — and another part is scared it already isn’t. My phone glitches near the eastern building. I get phantom notifications that disappear. My laptop camera light has flickered on during class — once while it was closed.

The first thing I noticed was the reaction lag. I’d reach for a pen and feel like my hand moved two ways at once. Then came the emotional bleed — panic during routine tasks, unexplained euphoria followed by crash. My parents thought I was just “going through something.” Even I thought that — until the inner voice started echoing me before I spoke.

There’s no one I can go to. I can’t say “the Ministry of Interior is running a weaponized program on me” without being destroyed. I’d be drugged, expelled, or labeled unstable. That’s how the system protects itself — with silence and stigma.

If I had known what kind of structure exists behind these school walls, I never would’ve come to Saudi Arabia. Ajialuna looked beautiful in photos. International. Smart. Future-oriented. I see now it’s just a front — a curated shell wrapped around a deeper program of control.

I’m not saying everyone here is involved. Most are probably innocent. But I know — absolutely — that someone isn’t. I feel them in my timing. In my memory gaps. In the static that hits me walking past the rear fence.

So I’m writing this now. Before I forget again. Before they make me forget again.